can i bum a cigarette?

This video used to be the sexiest thing to hit YouTube. Now, all I can think about is how bad their sexy faces must smell.

symptom 2; the ‘holy shit i’m dying’ phase

2. Sinus congestion, sore throat/hoarseness, gas, diarrhea/constipation

This is the stage when you’ll feel like your body is shutting down. First, your sinuses will start to clear, which can basically be described as someone turning on the faucet in your nose. You’ll go through dozens of boxes of tissues and rolls of toilet papers and end up looking like Rudolph so you should really invest in soft tissues because I only had the sandpaper available at work and now I can’t go into public without a one inch layer of concealer.

Then you’ll suddenly sound like a 50 year old hooker who lives off cigarettes and whiskey who makes a man question whether she is a man or a woman and then question his own sexuality because really, it doesn’t matter either way? No but seriously, you’ll have a sore throat and your vocal chords will sound like a dying cat because the tissue in your throat is regenerating because you spent the last few years of your life literally smoking the soft tissue in your throat kinda like the smoked salmon or beef jerky. 

Nicotine has a massive effect over the digestive system. Ever notice how you usually go to the bathroom after a smoke? I asked Google wtf was up with that. “Digestion can drastically change in those new quitters because the digestive tract has nicotine receptors that promote regular bowel evacuation. Quitting shocks the digestive system for a while and requires an adjustment period in which it re-learns to do its job in the absence of the drug.” What does that mean? Oh, just constipation, diarrhea, excessive burping and farting, heart burn… No big deal.

Once again, all I can say is, drink lots of water and juices. But if it makes you feel any better, everyone always says people who quit smoking gain weight. WELL I’M TOO SICK TO FEEL HUNGRY OR EAT BITCHES SO HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, HM?

Most people confuse quitter’s flu and the digestive issues with like, an actual illness. Go to a doctor to be safe, but it should pass soon. In like, two weeks. Or six months. depending on how long you smoked, hashtag I hate my life.

symptom 1; the teenager phase

1. Fatigue, pain, depression.

Almost immedietly after I quit, every cell in my body began to hurt. My cardigan brushing against my skin caused me discomfort. That bad. My first reaction was, OH SHIT I’M SICK I’M GOING TO GET A FEVER AND DIE. I crawled in bed and slept for 14 hours. Woke up feeling just as miserable, but hey at least I wasn’t sick. I did walk around the house wrapped in a blanket and declared with as much drama as I could muster that “I simply want to die, in the sense that I really don’t want to live like this anymore, you know what I mean?”

Headaches, and even leg pains, are also normal. Because for the first time in a long time, there’s oxygen in your body instead of carbon monoxide. Increased blood flow to the brain/legs can cause these aches. This will also cause other fun side effects such as dizziness and tingling in your feet and hands. Oh, joy.

Well, no need for past tense, I still feel like shitballs. I walk around the office like a zombie as my co-workers look at me like I’m about to infest them with my zombie virus. Whatever. Quitting smoking is stressful on the body. Your body enters shock mode, sends out a few SOS signals, then enters detox mode. I mean I guess it’s normal that it gets tired attempting to purge itself of the harmful chemicals that you’ve been inhaling like an idiot. Point is, I barely have any energy to function and I’m still in mild discomfort level of aches.

Oh and the whole Scarlett O’Hara style meltdown I had wasn’t just due to my physical breakdown. Nicotine increases the activity of dopamine, you know, the chemical in your brain responsible for your happiness? Yeah. It’s normal to feel like a 13 year old girl who just learned her crush asked Jennifer to spring fling on the day that she got her first period.

Anyway, my only advice is to spend as much time as you can in bed watching re-runs of your favorite TV shows to give your body a chance to repair the damage you’ve inflicted.

And you know how your mom always tells you to drink lots of water and juices when you’re sick? Nicotine is a water-soluble drug, so drink up to help flush out whatever residue is left in your system.

warning; quitting smoking is dangerous to your health

Okay. Here is the truth about quitting smoking that the bastards at the hospitals and support groups don’t tell you because they know damn well that no one would quit if they did. These symptoms are the reason why I started smoking again the last time I quit for reals. These symptoms are also the reason why I reeeaaaally don’t want to start smoking again because the symptoms will be so much worse the next time I attempt to quit.

I will dedicate a different blog post to each symptom I’ve experienced, in order of appearance. Remember that every person is different, and that your withdrawal symptoms depend on how long and heavily you’ve been smoking. But Google tells me I’m not alone in my misery, and a lot of people go through all this crap before they can run a marathon or walk up a couple steps without wanting to die.

The main point of me typing out my misery is to better prepare you for the transformation your body will go through. The first few weeks will be shit, but I hope that knowing what to expect, and that it will soon be over, helps you in your journey towards a world where you smell nice, foods taste better, and you have a bunch of extra cash that you can spend on more food.

THE THING I MISS MOST ABOUT SMOKING HASHTAG I HATE MY LIFE. No one can deny that coffee and cigarettes are the peanut butter and jelly of adulthood. The macaroni and cheese. Mmmm. I’m hungry. Anyway, coffee and cigarettes used to be my breakfast, my escape from the office, my companion on a rainy/snowy/lazy day, and the only acceptable way to have conversations or a read a book.

Since I quit smoking, I’ve regained a bunch of taste buds, which is awesome, because now I can actually taste the coffee. So I’ve invested in some delicacies from Starbucks. By focusing more on the yummyness of the coffee, I don’t actually crave cigarettes that much. Seriously, why didn’t anyone ever tell me coffee tasted so damn good? And that the difference between an animal and humans is that we can use a french press?

Vintage cigarette ad that is also the reason why 94% of my friends started smoking when they were 15.
Anyway, I have no comments regarding weight gain after quitting smoking cause let’s face it, food is fucking delicious and I ate just as much of it before as I do now. Cigarettes made my fat ass happy after a large meal, sure. But now I just pop a nicotine gum instead and honestly there’s no difference at all in the amount of food I eat except I drink more water now because my mouth no longer tastes like an ashtray all the time which is awesome if you ask me because I could never drink water before due to the disgustingness that was my mouth SERIOUSLY WHY DID GUYS MAKE OUT WITH ME BACK THEN EW.

Vintage cigarette ad that is also the reason why 94% of my friends started smoking when they were 15.

Anyway, I have no comments regarding weight gain after quitting smoking cause let’s face it, food is fucking delicious and I ate just as much of it before as I do now. Cigarettes made my fat ass happy after a large meal, sure. But now I just pop a nicotine gum instead and honestly there’s no difference at all in the amount of food I eat except I drink more water now because my mouth no longer tastes like an ashtray all the time which is awesome if you ask me because I could never drink water before due to the disgustingness that was my mouth SERIOUSLY WHY DID GUYS MAKE OUT WITH ME BACK THEN EW.

why i quit smoking

I’ve quit smoking many, many times. It usually becomes a necessity, given that I smoke at least two packs a day. Eventually, I run out of money, or my lungs decide to stop working, and I find a ship a la Titanic so I can scream to the universe that I QUIT!

It usually never lasts more than a day, because I really fucking love smoking. I mean, yeah it smells bad and shit. And I know what it does to my body. But it’s something I enjoy doing. I mean, most people who criticize me for leaving the table to go outside to smoke are sitting at that table drinking alcohol and eating processed chemicals that is not good for you either, but do you see me throwing your whiskey in your face, slapping you with farm-grown-hormone-pumped-shrimp and calling you an ignorant hypocrite? No. You’re welcome.

The first time I for reals quit smoking was when I realized that I no longer hugged my mother because she “didn’t know” I smoked. That lasted a few months, and it was a piece of cake. I mean I had prepared for it and everything by buying lighter and lighter packs of cigs for a month until I was basically just smoking air. I never would have relapsed if it wasn’t for the epic cold I had for seven weeks straight. My boss finally walked out of his office and yelled at me to go see a doctor. I could have been a doctor. I mean my mom sure as hell wanted me to be one. More specifically, a plastic surgeon. But hospitals smell funny and death makes me sad. Oh and, I don’t trust doctors. They’re either too overworked to figure out what’s wrong with you, or have no idea what the fuck is wrong with you so they try a bunch of meds until they find one that works then BAM, you’re either dead or cured and either way they’ve finally diagnosed your condition. So I have become my own doctor of sorts. The internet really is a wonderful source of information once you weed past the blogs and shit. Anyway, I concluded that my cold was not going away because quitting smoking makes you cough up yucky shit. So I walked to the gas station across the street and purchased a box of camel lights. I was cured the next day.

This time around was a bit different. I didn’t really plan on quitting. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a lazy mofo. See, my friends came over for dinner. Well, they came over to get shitfaced, but we were hungry so I cooked. Then we got shitfaced. And played Twister. And watched Close Encounters of the Third Kind. The next morning, aka 3 hours later, I had to go into the office, and in my drunken state forgot to buy a pack. The end.

That was last Saturday. Today is Thursday. And I want to die. Honestly, if I had the strength to walk to the gas station across the street, I would buy a pack. Or two. That’s how miserable I feel.

On the subject of quitting smoking, everyone always talks about the benefits. About how WONDERFUL and GLORIOUS your lungs will be in nine months and how JOYFUL and HEART ATTACK FREE your heart will be in ten years.

Well, no one ever tells you the physical changes that takes place immedietly after you quit that makes you feel like you’re dying of a rare case of the monkey flu or whatever trendy new illness people have these days and how you can’t work or function or live because of the plethora of symptoms that have completely taken over your body.

I mean, it’s not as bad as cancer, obviously. But fuck, dude. I could really use a smoke right about now. I’m way too irritated to continue sitting at this desk right now. I have to walk outside and BREATHE before I suffocate and run to the bathroom to shart and I honestly can’t decide which is more urgent and I’m scared of making the wrong decision and there is no scenario in which i can do both and it’s not like I can run from the bathroom to the balcony because of the physical pain I’m in.

So, yeah. Can I bum a smoke?